Musings.....

Today was a good day. I went up to St. Kate's to get my two letters of recommendations for my Mayo application. I enjoy driving into the city. It gives me time to listen to my favorite radio station (107.1).

Work went well today. I had the kids make yummy strawberry salad. They loved it and it was a lot of fun.

I stayed late at work to work on some of my paper/application stuff. I think that I am learning more and more about myself writing this paper on attachment. I think that I never attached to my parents...especialy my mother. It was no body's fault During that time, attachment was not an everyday thing. It was thought that if you loved a child enough...that would be enough. That is not the case. In fact, love comes slowly. Trust needs to be established and when and if that trust is formed. Love then follows. The basic needs of a child need to be established. the child needs to view the new parents as someone that meets their needs. That means the parents need to be consistent and not expect love or appreciation right away.

Children with attachment issues do not intend to hurt or be disrespectful to their new parents. The child has only known loss within any relationship. The loss of birth mother, foster family, familiar smells, familiar sights, familiar sounds. Believe it or not....EVERY CHILD grieves these losses. Whether they are one day old or twelve. The grief comes in many forms. Crying is the most obvious. Other forms are loss of appetite, pushing away affection, sleepy a lot, not sleeping, staring, physical aggressiveness. Attachment takes time and may never come. Tolerance and acceptance can be established or not.

These are some of the things that I find interesting. I think that I grieved a lot and still am. I want to know who my parents are. Do they wonder about me? Do they love me? Do they know that I have children of my own? I grieve the loss of connectivenss. I am not close to my family. I am jealous of my friends that have such close relationships with their families.

I am at the point of my life that I now know why I did certain things in my life. No excuses just reasons. I believe that the lack of attachment after my adoption led to many bad choices in my life. The good thing now is that I am very securely attached to my wonderful and handsome children. I make it a point to hug, kiss and tell them I love them every day (sometimes 5x a
day!) I do not want my children to feel like I did when I was growing up. Lonely and feeling worthless.

These ideas are no fault of my parents. Just the circumstances. My mother would say that I was impossible. Perhaps. But I would look at my actions and choices as someone that was lost and without an anchor. I have my anchor now (my lovely husband) and I feel safe expressing these thoughts. Some might read this and feel offended. This was not my intention. I just want to be open and honest. I was a difficult kid. I was horrible at times. But at the same time, I was abandoned, no known family, no real birth date, no name no history. These are big obstacles. I am proud that I overcame these and now am thriving.